You might see this image and go, awwww…a baby. But that’s not how I see it. I intended the drawing to be as blank-faced as possible. A baby, yes. But colorless, and with no indication of gender or race. 

In 1979 I had a black boyfriend and he was good-looking but had no sense of humor. We were still in art school but he was in the film program and I was in the painting program. He was bougie and preppy. I used to borrow his striped Brooks Brothers shirts. 

He knocked me up though I suppose we were both responsible. I was 21. 

There was no way I was going to have a baby. Not at this young age when I wasn’t even finished with school. And I certainly didn’t want to bring up a child who would have to deal with racism like I did when I was growing up as a half Japanese child in a small town. It might even be worse for a half-black, one-third Asian person. And my boyfriend was not somebody I wanted to have a lifelong connection to – especially after he confessed to sleeping with someone else during a weekend when I had gone home to see my parents. 

So I did what was my choice. I went to a women’s clinic and had an abortion as soon as possible. I think it cost about $125. In those days women’s clinics were abundant – it seemed like every other ad on the subway was for one of them. 

I remembered reading my parents’ Newsweek when Roe v Wade passed. I was 14 and thought what’s the big deal? There was no moral issue. It was common-sense practicality. Devout Catholics on my father’s side of the family certainly didn’t see it that way. But they also were racist, petty, superstitious, and liked Richard Nixon.

At the clinic, I met a woman in the waiting room who was probably not more than 5 years older than me. Over post-op chicken noodle soup and saltines she told me her husband was a doctor on a fast track career. She said he was an asshole and cheated on her. She wanted to end the marriage – not start a family.

The blank baby face drawing only serves as something imagined. I sometimes wonder what any child of mine would have looked like. Purely out of curiosity, nothing more. I have no regrets. If I had to live my life all over again I would have done exactly the same. I don’t care what people think. I just felt like telling my story, grateful and lucky to have had control over my reproduction.